Thursday, March 1, 2012

The beginning...

Not sure where to start on this journey...just need a space again I guess where I can type away...not sure who will read it and sometimes I just don't care who does. I just need a venting space. Somewhere, where I can feel like me. I will warn you now my grammar is not the greatest, my spelling is not the best, but I try. But again does it really matter all that much. Some of my postings on here might me fiction, fantasies, illusions of a crazed girl...hahahaha...but that is who I am =)

So I was born in April 1975, Milwaukee, WI...born out of wedlock and almost was flushed down the toilet before I even took a breath as my Mom was thinking of having an abortion. Thankfully my Uncle (her brother) talked her into telling my Grandmother (her mother) what was going on and my Grandmother told her to keep me. So she did...but it is a decision I think she still regrets to this day...she never wanted me and still feels like she does not want me. At least I have my Grandmother's love and she has been more a mother to me than anything.

I don't have a father, so also the rejection continues. Not that I don't have one, just one never claimed me as theirs. Well one person I believe to be my father and finally grew a pair and contacted him, he informed me that he would be part of my life all my mom had to do was a paternity test to prove it at that time and he would have been part of my life. Wow that is all it would take and my mom could not do that...see she did not want me to be happy or live any sense of a normal least that is what it seems.

They say you can't miss something you did not have...but I feel I do and that I have. That I missed out on a lot in life not having a father or really a mother that loved me. So I never quite understood that statement of you can't miss something you don't have, but you really can miss something that you don't have. Maybe that is why I always do so much and give so much and care so much because I just want someone, anyone to do that for me. Want someone to care so much for me and take care of me that I don't miss what I did not have growing up.

Will I be searching my whole life...or will someone finally take me and wake me up from this life I have been living???

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